Tuesday, November 5, 2013

My Definition

I have been pretty busy lately.  I recently got a new job, my online classes started, and this whole home ownership thing is a lot of work...my goodness! It really makes me appreciate my parents a lot more.  Throughout all of this I have had a lot of time to myself.  Though I may be busy cleaning, cooking, doing homework, or doing yard work, my mind wanders.  It has kept taking me to the place of reflection.  I have constantly been asking myself the question, "what defines Kelly?"  I am the kind of person who worries way, WAY too much about what other people think of me.  I do things not for myself, but so others will see me doing them.  I am always scared to share my true passions, my true desires, and do exactly what I want because I want people to think I am doing something great with my life.  Well this mindset has gotten me nowhere.  Because I am constantly trying to prove myself to others, I get involved in things I don't really enjoy or volunteer to do things that I don't really have the time for.  I am sick of living this way.  The only choice that I have made, that was not based on making others happy, or focused around what others thought, was the decision to start dating Joshua, and that was the best decision I have ever made in my life.  That right there tells me that when I stop thinking about what other people think,  I am completely capable of doing what I want and being happy.  So that brings me to the questions, what do I want? what will make me happy?  What defines me?  It is actually really difficult to answer these questions.  When answering these questions I tried to look back on moments in my life when I was really happy.  Morning coffee dates with my mom,  boat outings with my dad, Christmas Eve at my grandaddy's,  and weekends spent with Joshua when he would come to visit me when I was away at college.  All of these things always made me really happy. I was always content in these moments.   I think one of the happiest times in my life was my time spent in Brazil on a missions trip.  Everyday working with hundreds of children, sharing the gospel, having fun with them and showing them love, seeing huge smiles on all their faces just took me to another place.  I worked my butt of while I was there and by the end of every day I was completely pooped but every morning I woke up and was so excited for what was to come.  Looking at all of these things, I can say what really, truly makes me happy is helping people, building relationships, and spending time with family.  So simple, but really that is all I need to make me happy.  I now know why recently I have not been very content with myself. I have been really selfish.  I am so worried about making myself look good, that I forget about helping others.  Seems twisted right?  I need to not focus on the worlds definition of success, but focus on how want to be defined.  I want to be honest.  If I am honest, let see here we go....This is Kelly.... I am a disorganized, insecure, mess, who just wants to help people, love Jesus, and someday be a mom.  Society may see that as unsuccessful because I may not make a ton of money,  have my masters degree or doctorate, but you know what? I don't care anymore.  I want to be defined by what I want.  Not what this so called "society" wants.  Who are these people anyway? So here's to moving forward.  I will do what I want and not be scared to do so (at least try not to be).  I will not let the world define me, I will define myself.